Dear Twitter…
By the time you read this, my stream will be gone.
But let’s not be sad or contemplate rash displays to prove your affection to me… we should just remember the good times. Like when Chris would say bombastic things about my birth control failing, or when you introduced me to Spymaster and I played and played that hamster-wheel of a game until that fad too inevitably ran aground. Or how about all the delightful updates about poop nuggets and links to deeply meaningful rants about the dilapidated publishing industry? Remember how much fun we had with those?
Alas, all good things… and let’s face it even some terminally distasteful things must come to an end (Just ask MJ and Jerry Falwell.) And so it is with a tear in my eye and a bitter-sweet mid-90’s breakup song in my heart that I bid you adieu.
I think it’s only fair to tell you that I’ve found someone else… and I’d really appreciate it if you’d respect my decision. I didn’t *mean* to start using Facebook. I definitely didn’t intend for it to turn out like this. It’s just, Facebook was filled with people I actually know… and c’mon, how could I resist typing more than 140 characters? Really?
What did you really have to offer me? Be honest. Did you ever give me cool quizzes about what kind of “Fucking Awesome Spirit Animal” I am? Or suggest cool things like being barefoot and drinking wine that I could be a fan of? You can’t even integrate my GoodReads list, or aggregate my college schedule seamlessly! I just feel like you have a lot of growing up to do. I mean, you don’t even have a revenue stream! You’re like… three years old! That’s practically middle aged in the social media world! Anddd yeah I guess sometimes you’re over capacity… or there’s something “technically wrong”… or you ignore me when I tell you to unfollow people. And you’re always trying to introduce me to these really slutty women, and guys who just want to sell me stuff. I dunno. It’s not cool.
I’m sure you won’t even notice I’m gone. There are plenty of multi-level marketing entrepreneurs and stay-at-home moms to keep you busy… and your celebrity friends! You’ll always have Will and Ashton and Kevin and Nate! You have your boys to hang with… It’s kind of like “Entourage” except without all the sushi and the angry agent.
So, cheer up emo kid. You’re gonna be okay without me.
You’ll see.
