How Sweet it is to be Loved by Flu!
Okay.. This is my first blog post for Nablopomo! Hooray for high-volume monthly competitions! Good luck to everybody taking part in the May Madness!
A disclosure about my participation: I do not care about typos this month, and at least one post will be video imbeds of the antics of Maru the Cat. We’ll call it my cheat day. If you don’t know Maru, have no fear, for you will still love him as much as I do. (If not, you’re a communist. There, I said it.)
Okay, so the swine flu. Possibly the only thing less attractive than the influenza virus, is the influenza virus that comes from pigs. Let’s face it. Babe is not a pig. Wilbur is not a pig. Those little rascals are just adorable snouts and curlicue tails, misspellings and blue ribbons and backflips and shitloads of friggin’ adorable.
This is a pig.
There now that we’ve cleared that up, let me tell you about MY fun week avoiding that bastard H1N1.
One aspect of my day-job involves sending sales reps off to exotic locales for tradeshows. One of my reps went to a tradeshow last week. Where? Oh yes. Mexico City. Ground friggin’ zero of the aporkalypse (Thank you Twitter, for another fantastic new word.) So when my phone rings the past Monday, and said rep has “some stomach trouble” I immediately stop making Peter Sarsgaard SARS-Guards ™ jokes, and think , “Are you serious?!”
Rep goes and gets the business end of a flu test. Rep is fine and dandy. Belynda is much relieved.
Yesterday, I pass my very tanned-looking neighbors in the hall, toting carry-on luggage.
“Ooohh you guys look good where you been?”
Do I even need to tell you?
Dee asked me if I wanted a kiss. I believe my response went something like “If you bring your porky lips anywhere near me, it will be the last thing you ever do.”
But at least I’m never home and I don’t really see my neighbors.
Enough is enough right? No, of course not!
I open Yahoo news? “Massachusetts Confirms Two Cases of Swine Flu”
Where?
IN MY TOWN.
At this point, I begin my #reasonstomovetoandover hash tag, to try to impress upon @defeated the need for a slight change in domicile. Andover, of course, lives in a biological bubble - like the Realm of All Magic from “The Flight of Dragons” only with a better school system and marginally less dragons. Marginally.
So this is my personal involvement with porcine biological warfare. The pigs have declared war on all those bacon-crazed f#!%rs who have been devouring their kind beside eggs and on sandwiches for far too long. Porky is mad, and he’s not gonna take it any more.
If I were Wendy’s, I’d maybe tone down the advertisement on the Baconator. It will only make them angry.
